High School Boys, Sports, and Emotional Regulation: Why “Locked In” Isn’t Enough

What happens when an athlete's emotional vocabulary is limited to angry, chill, and locked in?

In sports, we spend a lot of time teaching young athletes how to understand their bodies.

They learn what it feels like to be tired. They learn the difference between soreness and injury. They learn how to recognize when they're in the zone and how to prepare their bodies for competition.

But when it comes to emotions, things can get a little murkier.

I recently sat down with my good friend Dez Nunez, LPC, a licensed professional counselor and high school basketball coach, for an episode of The Mentally Fit Athlete. We talked about something that doesn't get nearly enough attention in youth sports: how high school boys learn to handle emotions.

One thing that came up in our conversation was the limited emotional vocabulary that some boys develop around sports. In my own work with athletes, I've joked that some boys seem to have three emotional settings: angry, chill, and locked in.

What happens when you're none of those things?

What happens when you're disappointed? Embarrassed? Anxious? Hurt?

If an athlete doesn't have much experience recognizing or talking about those emotions, they may not know what to do with them. Disappointment can turn into anger. Anxiety can become trash talk. Vulnerability can get covered up with ego.

Sometimes the emotion gets expressed outwardly. Other times, it gets pushed down.

When Emotions Explode or Implode

Dez and I talked about what can happen when young athletes don't have a middle ground for dealing with difficult emotions.

Some athletes explode. They yell at teammates, get into fights, punch lockers, or otherwise act out their frustration.

Others implode.

Dez uses the term "shooting stars" to describe athletes who look like they're doing everything right. They're getting good grades, putting up impressive numbers, becoming team captains, and earning college scholarship offers. From the outside, they appear to have it all together.

But underneath the surface, they may be carrying anxiety, depression, or enormous pressure without telling anyone.

Eventually, something gives.

One of the stories Dez shared involved a freshman basketball player who had just experienced a devastating loss. He ran into the locker room and started punching a locker.

It would be easy to look at that behavior and say, "He's angry."

But there was something else going on.

The physical pain and anger were easier for him to process than the disappointment he was feeling. Once Dez was able to create some space for him to experience that disappointment, the anger gave way to sadness. He eventually broke down and cried.

Sometimes emotional regulation doesn't mean getting rid of the emotion. Sometimes it means having enough support to actually experience it without letting it take over.

Anxiety Isn't Always the Enemy

We also talked about anxiety and the way athletes often interpret nervousness as a sign that something has gone wrong.

Many of the athletes I work with hate the word "anxiety." So I'll sometimes explain what's happening as the body's natural fight-or-flight response or a false alarm.

Dez has a much more fun metaphor: Spidey sense.

She teaches her athletes that having some nerves can actually make sense. If you care about what you're doing, your body may respond accordingly. Your heart beats faster. You feel butterflies. You become more alert.

That doesn't automatically mean you're unprepared.

It might mean you care.

Being Emotional Doesn't Make You Soft

Another important part of our conversation was the word "soft."

Sports culture sometimes uses "soft" as a way to shame athletes for showing emotion. But feeling disappointed, scared, frustrated, or sad doesn't make an athlete soft.

Emotional composure isn't the absence of emotion. It's being able to experience an emotion without letting it dictate everything you do next.

You can go 0-for-15 and still play defense.

You can be frustrated with yourself and still grab a rebound.

You can have a terrible game and still be a good teammate.

That's a skill.

And I'd argue it's a more useful definition of mental toughness than simply telling athletes to "toughen up."

Be a Student, Not a Sponge

One of my favorite ideas from Dez was her challenge to the advice that athletes should "be a sponge."

A sponge just absorbs whatever is around it.

Instead, she wants athletes to become students of their own minds and bodies.

Students ask questions. They pay attention. They notice patterns. They admit when they don't understand something. They ask for help.

That's a much more active approach to mental fitness.

And it applies well beyond basketball.

Helping Boys Become Whole People

Ultimately, I don't think the goal is to make high school boys more emotional.

It's to help them become more comfortable with the emotions they're already experiencing.

We can't expect young athletes to perform under pressure while simultaneously teaching them that certain emotions are unacceptable. If we want them to develop emotional regulation, coaches and parents have an important role to play in modeling it themselves.

That includes admitting when we lose our cool. It includes apologizing when we get it wrong. It includes giving athletes healthy ways to release strong emotions instead of expecting them to bottle everything up.

I work with high school and college athletes throughout California through telehealth, including athletes in Los Angeles, Long Beach, and the South Bay. Each community has its own sports culture and challenges, but the mental skills athletes need to handle pressure don't change based on their zip code.

Most importantly, mental strength isn't about never struggling.

It's being able to notice what's happening inside you and still choose what you do next.

That's good for sports.

It's also good for life.

Listen to the Full Episode

Prefer to listen? You can hear the full conversation with Dez Nunez, LPC, on The Mentally Fit Athlete below.

Helping Athletes Handle Pressure

If you're a high school athlete struggling with anxiety, pressure, perfectionism, fear of mistakes, or other mental barriers, you don't have to figure it all out on your own.

I work with athletes throughout California, combining clinical psychology with sport psychology to address both mental health and performance concerns. If you're interested in learning whether working together might be a good fit, schedule a consultation.

And if you're a parent or coach, you don't have to wait until a problem becomes a crisis to help an athlete develop these skills. Learning how to understand emotions is part of learning how to perform under pressure.

That's something worth practicing before the next big game.